One year ago today...........

Days on the calendar come and go marking events that would have been but weren't; days that don't mean anything to anyone except me. (I've one more of these coming up in May).
As much as I try to tough it out (Yeah it was the worst pain I ever felt in my life, yeah I almost died, and, yeah I lost a pregnancy, so what?) it still effects me. The loss of possibilities is probably the hardest part. As much as I want to say I'm well over it, the truth is I am not. I may never be. I guess it's not a matter of "getting over it" or "putting it behind me" as much as it is a matter of learning to live with it. It didn't kill me, so it must have made me stronger? I certainly don't feel stronger but who am I to judge? I do know this for sure, I have things in my life today that I did not have one year ago. People whom I love, and new skills I have acquired. I am grateful for the changes this year has brought, even as I mourn the losses. I am happy even though it hurts.
Scars and bruises on our souls make us who we are.
It's not good or bad, it just is what it is; Life.

New Years Revolution

I guess they teach this stuff at school because my Boy asked me today what my "New Years Revolution" was. I said that my news years resolution was to not have any major surgery this year. to which he quickly said "But Mumma, you can't control that!" I had to admit that this was true. After some more thought I was told that if I didn't have surgery I would have died (also true) so that was not a *good* new years resolution. I then had to say that if I needed it I would in fact have major surgery again this year (*groans*)
Indeed.
What I want to know is how this child got so perceptive......

Back to work and a Beautiful Calendar!

Two things:

First: I'm back at work Huzzah!

Second: I'm selling a calendar Huzzah!


Okay so first things first, yesterday I went back to work for the first time since my life fell apart for a second time this year. Well, that's a bit of an exaggeration, it didn't exactly fall apart, it just changed dramatically. In fact My perspective has changed so much, the way I'm going back to work is completely different.
As much as my family is short on cash flow right now, (with me being off work for so long and for the second time this year and with Andrew in school, which is going really great btw) I've decided that it's not worth it to work the way I did before.
I made this decision not only because the closing shift is the hardest shift with the most work (physical and clerical) and I don't think I should always have to be the one to do it, but also because since I moved it now takes an hour to get home by bus. I don't get paid any differently for always closing so, why should I put up with it? Not fair. Plus it's far more work crammed into the short period after the doors are closed than can actually be done so I never actually get out the door at 9:30pm. Meaning the earliest I can possible ever get home is 10:30pm. Which is alright once and a while, but not everyday, especially when I have to be back there the next morning to receive shipment at 7am!!!
Since I've now said I'll only work up until 6pm on week days except one day (I'm not so unreasonable, so I gave a little there) , only one day on the weekend (so Saturday or Sunday, but not both) and I want two full days off from work every single week (As apposed to one full day off and two half days with only four hour shifts) I'm engaged in a bit of a battle of the wills. I guess time will tell if I will be accommodated, or if my boss will simply decide that she's going to knock me down to part time (which she can do since I've changed my availability). If she does, it will be time for either a second job, or a new job entirely. I suppose time will tell......

And now for the fun stuff!!
In early September I had just finished putting together a beautiful collection of butterfly photography in a calendar which is available from Lulu. Due to my my surgery and recovery and all the other badness that happened on September 10th, I never promoted it. Since there's no time like the present, I'd better get to it. Wanna buy a calendar?

FAQ'S

So Sarah, why did you decided to be a total sell out and put your beautiful fine art photography into a calendar format?

Well, aside from the fact that the slow economy means most people just don't have the kinda of disposable income required to purchase a large beautiful print and I'd really like my photography out there and up on people walls in any format, the real reason is my Dad. My darling Father (god rest his soul) was never the most supportive when it came to my artistic endeavours. He would always hem and haw about the investment required in making prints and framing, also he just couldn't believe that people would actually spend that kind of money on fine art photography because hey, any one can take a photo right? Well, when I put together my "Beautiful Ontario" collection for our show back in 2009 (wow has it only been a year? Feels like forever since I had a show) My Father gave me that the absolute highest praise he could ever give a photograph. He said "Sarah, these are good enough to be in a Calendar!!" Sadly, he did not see the "Reflections" collection and sadly this collection never made it to print or to show. But hopefully Dad would think these were good enough to be in a Calendar too!

I see on the Lulu website my Calendar will ship in three to five days, wow that's so fast! Does that mean I have to pay a redonkulous amount for shipping?

When it says "Ships in 3–5 business days" That means it will take 3-5 days for the printing process to be completed. These are available for purchase on consignment which means that there is no warehouse full of calendars. Lulu only prints the calendars that have been paid for, this way I don't actually have to invest any money for them (only time and love). How much you will pay for shipping and how long it will take you to get it depends of the type for shipping service you choose and the place you are having them shipped to. I would highly recommend that you get yours sooner rather than later to avoid the holiday rush.

$15.00 + shipping is pretty steep for a Calendar why is it so expensive?

Well, nobody does anything for free, the base price for this calendar is $12.49. Which mean that while I set my own price, lulu wants $12.49 for every calender of mine that gets printed. Considering that I think $15.00 is pretty reasonable!

You know Sarah, I have so much disposable income and I want to give it all to you to support your artist endeavors don't you have anything to sell me that is more expensive ?

Well, gee wiz thanks! (okay maybe I made that last one up but I'm gonna go ahead and answer it anyways!) Some photographs from the Reflections collection are available in book form also from lulu. They are not all the same ones in the calendar but there is some over lap.

Out and about!

Slowly, slowly, I'm venturing out of the house and trying to actually do stuff again! Last Friday I went over to my girl friend's house with my boys for dinner and watched some videos. I was really worried that it would be too much for me, but it wasn't it was nice and relaxing!
On Wednesday I walked slowly (two blocks maybe) to our local. I was thinking that since I am no longer drugged up I could maybe have a good old fashion drink, unfortunately by the time we got there I was so exhausted that I had to give the alcohol a miss, I did however enjoy nachos and ice tea.
Then yesterday day oh boy, I went to Scarborough Town Center with my Mum, had lunch and did some shopping. It was hard, I'm not going to say it was easy, because I'm still pretty weak, but it's sure good to know that it's possible. I went to three different stores to try on dresses, and I found three lovely ones at the last store we went to.
It's taking a really long time but I've gone from being stuck in bed covered in bruises with brief painful trips to the bathroom, to walking to the living room to sit on the sofa and getting on the computer, to venturing down stairs to watch movies, to actually leaving the house and walking around in the world!
I still find that everyone else moves way too fast for me, and I still get really exhausted if I try to move too fast or do too much. The most important thing is, even thought it's taking a long time, I am making noticeable progress.

No one talks about this, why is no one talking about this?

In trying to come to terms with what happened to me and how it's affecting my family I have received a lot of support from friends and family.

Which is great.

Keep it coming as I need it. I mean like I really really need it and it helps.

But here's the thing; A lot of people I know have had miscarriages. Not as spectacularly as me granted, they didn't have internal ruptures and almost die, but they have lost. And every person who has confided in me has said "Don't tell anyone but...." and I'm not just talking about one or two people here. In fact, I'm starting to wonder who this hasn't happened to.
Now I would never want to share what isn't mine to share, and I would never want anyone to think that I am not trust worthy, so no names or specifics.
But this is common.
More common than you think. And no one wants anyone to know it happened to them. And no one wants to talk about it. Well, I'm gonna talk about it. This stuff is very very personal, and very sensitive, but I'm not going to be ashamed of it or pretend it didn't happen. I'm not implying in anyway that people who don't talk about it are ashamed or pretending it didn't happen. As I said this is very very personal stuff and I don't blame anyone for not wanting to talk about it.
The first thing I want to address is the feeling of having done something wrong. I know in my logically thinking brain that I did nothing wrong, but that doesn't stop me from going over and over my actions to discover what I could have done differently to prevent this tragedy. I didn't cause this and I couldn't have prevented it. There is no way I could have kept this baby and carried it to term. I could have avoided the rupture but that's not the point. Yet this feeling of having caused it is sometimes very overwhelming. Not to mention the guilt, and also feeling somehow defective or less of a woman. This is normal, this gult, this feeling of doing wrong, and it's something that you just have to go through and pass through.

The next thing I want to adress is "Why me?". It feels really unfair that so many women become pregnant accidentally and then decide not to keep their babies. Yes, it is her right to decide that, and no, I'm not making any political statements about whether this is right or wrong, good or bad, I'm just saying that it really hurts. You want to say, "Well, can I have the baby? If you don't want it and I do?". It also seem like everybody around you has just become pregnant, is pregnant or has just had a baby. You do find yourself asking why is she so lucky? Why does she get to keep what I lost? Well, I'm certianly not the first to notice this, but life in general is just not fair. Still, I feel somehow wronged by the universe, especially after trying for so long and given my history. While it's normal to ask these questions, to have these feelings, there is no answer. There is no reason, just like winning the lottery, it will happen to some people and not others. No I don't deserve this, any more than I deserve all the good things in my life. Is just is what it is.

The last thing that I need to address is the child I already have / the children (oh pleasepleasepleaseplease) I may have in the future. Grieving for the child I lost does not in anyway mean I do not love/ am not greatful for the one I already have. I know I am lucky to have him. I know he is amazingly wonderful. That doesn't make this loss hurt any less. One woman said to me recently "But you do have one and that's one more than I have". Yikes! It's true. Some people are even less lucky than I and they don't have that one amazing child, still doesn't make it hurt any less for me right now. As for the possibility of more children in the furture, well, I don't want those children, I want the one I had! The one I already love! The one that was already a part of me and died before she even had a chance to live. Two months may not seem like a long time, but it was a life time for her. And to be frank and honest, especially given my histroy and what just happened, this is not even remotely something I can count on. I can't say that I am healthy and fertile. I'm not. There 's a really good chance this is as close as I'll ever get to a second child. So I find no solice in the possiblity that at some point in the future I may still yet have another child. I might, I might not, and for that matter none of us knows what is going to happen from one day to the next.

To all the women who have lost:
You are not alone.
I know what you are going through.
I'm sorry for your loss, and if you want to talk about it, you know where to find me.

Ruptured Ectopic Pregnancy

Ruptured Ectopic Pregnancy

For the last few months I've been fond of saying "A lot can happen in three months." after the nature of my Father's death.
Well, for the next few months I guess I'll be saying "A lot can happen in three days." after my recent experience which, thankfully, has a happy ending.

It's completely devastating, heartbreaking and also very, very personal.
It's also something every women who is trying to conceive should know about.
It happened to me last Monday (April 19th 2010) and because I didn't know what was happening I could have died. Luckily my husband had the good sense to call 911 and not listen to me when I claimed it would pass and I would probably be fine in a few hours.
An ectopic pregnancy is not that dangerous when detected early and properly treated. Left unchecked however it poses a serious threat to a woman's life as a rupture will cause severe internal damage and bleeding. (Not to mention unbelievable agony.)

Andrew and I have been trying to have a second child for some time now. In the past I have told people when the ask the completely unintentionally insensitive question "When are you having your next child?" That: one is enough, or we can't afford more, or some other excuse that saves me having to explain that according to medical science I should not even have the one child that I have already. Especially since so many people say that since I've had one I can obviously have more. Unfortunately it doesn't work that way. And I may be over sharing slightly when I say that The Amazing Fantastic Benjamin was preceded by literally YEARS of unprotected sex (wiggle eyebrows suggestively to personal taste at this point).

How does that old saying go? Even a fool knows that you cannot touch the clouds, but this does not stop a genius from trying. (Or something along those lines).

So yes, we have been trying. But no, I did not know that I was pregnant. Nor did I know I was rapidly heading towards a crisis. My recovery will not be quick or easy and yes, I am in a lot of pain.

You may ask, if I wanted this baby (very, very much in fact), and I lost it in such a fantastically painful and dangerous way, how could this possibly have a happy ending?

Well, thanks to the wonderfully skilled and amazing staff of nurses, doctors, and surgeons at Scarborough General Hospital , I was stabilized quickly and able to have life saving surgery to fix up all the internal damage. I was kept in hospital for three days and I could not have asked for better care, as all the staff I came into contact with were really wonderful, kind, and caring.
The happy ending is that I am alive and recovering. And that against the odds I do have The Amazing Fantastic Benjamin. So while I am sad (and bruised, and in heaps of pain) I also know how truly blessed I am, and I refuse to focus on what I have lost while I still have so much.

My family is taking good care of me and I am surrounded by so much love that I can't help but feel lucky.

That is all.
God Bless and Goodnight.

I like my wounds well salted....

So I'm finally healthy.
Weeeee! I have no sickness/injury/disease to speak of right now (touch wood).
So two weeks ago I go back to my gym for my dance class and it's great! I had no idea how much I was really missing it, and it felt so awesome to be back.
Last week I was feeling sick again so I didn't go.
I did go this week, and guess what....
THE CLASS HAS BEEN CANCELED FOR EVER!!!!
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
My most favorite class, the reason I joined this gym in the first place.
I is not happy.
But on the bright side, The husband and I are getting such a big tax refund this year we have decided to be completely reckless and irresponsible. We are going to Niagara Falls this weekend to celebrate our fourth year of marriage.
I'm really looking forward to Friday!

A snowy excursion

So I've really had enough of being cooped up in the house. I've repeated "if it were only summer, if it were only summer." so many times over it could be my mantra. But sadly it is not summer, and making my way though the snow with such a tender ankle is difficult at best (especially when the side walks have not been plowed.)
But enough is enough! (Or so I thought this morning.) I said to myself, "It's Sunday and I want brunch so I'm dam well gonna go out and get it!" One of my major problems with leaving the house thus far (aside from the obvious ice and snow) has been that I couldn't get my boots on. Squeezing my foot into a winter boot requires ankle contortion that I was not able to preform. As you can imagine, living in Canada, wearing regular shoes in this weather is not an appealing option. Well, I stopped wearing my tensor bandage on Friday, and I've been (gently) stretching my foot, so I figured I'd give the boot a go. Well, it wasn't exactly painless but I managed to get it on. The journey was slow and treacherous, but Andrew, Ben and myself eventually made it to Wimpy's and had brunch. Surprisingly, getting the boot off was way worse than getting it on. And now my ankle is doing a slow and steady throb. But All in all it was really worth it. Now I can go back to my hermitage, having braved the outside world, until the next fit of restlessness takes me and I have to leave the house again. One thing is for sure. I'm not ready to take Ben out alone yet. It's unbelieveable how many times that boy falls over into the snow. To be honest, I think that he may have been doing it on purpose!

Stupid Ankle!

So I'm getting really frustrated here. I injured myself on the 21st of December, today is the 10th of January which makes it's three weeks tomorrow.
When I went to the doctor, he told me it would take 3-6 weeks for my ankle to heal, and I would need to rest it. For some reason when Andrew had to go back to work after two weeks, I decided that it was time to go back to my regular routine and I took Ben to playgroup last Monday. I should have known that walking to the place in and of itself was going to be too much for me. I think I may have set myself back a bit because even though it will be three weeks tomorrow I don't feel anywhere near back up to 100%.
Now as my brother Richard reminded me the doctor said 3 to 6 weeks. Not three weeks. The doctor also told me to rest (which I have not really been doing). So why is it I feel that this is taking far too long? That I should really be better by now? Also why do I have such a problem admitting/ accepting that I am injured? If I had really taken it very easy, would I be better by now?
I don't actually expect anyone to answer these questions for me, I'm just feeling extremely frustrated with my ankle and need to vent a little of this frustration, so that I will feel a bit better.
Now I'm finished venting.
Huh, that's funny, I don't feel any better :(

The spirit of Christmas; Autopsy

It's a really good thing I was ready so early.
I'm really glad I had my presents wrapped in reusable packing a week before Christmas Eve, and that I was so hyper organized that I left myself the Saturday, Sunday, Monday and Tuesday before Christmas with mostly just social visits and nothing too important to accomplish.
I'm also really glad I've got such a good friend that I can just call her and say "Hey whatcha doin? Wanna take me to get xrays?"
The true spirit of Christmas? They say it's not the receiving, it's the giving. Well, I certainly did a lot more receiving this holiday season. But not presents. No, I got help and comfort. You've no idea how nice a cup of tea is until you need someone to bring it to you because you are just not capable of carrying it yourself.
So, I've discovered the true spirit of Christmas, It's when you fall on your ankle days before huge family celebrations and the people who love you take the time out of their busy lives to help you, comfort you, and accommodate your lack of mobility and cranky mood.
So far I've managed to ruin Thanksgiving and Christmas but nobody seems to have noticed.
Thanks guys!