Friday, May 7, 2010

No one talks about this, why is no one talking about this?

In trying to come to terms with what happened to me and how it's affecting my family I have received a lot of support from friends and family.

Which is great.

Keep it coming as I need it. I mean like I really really need it and it helps.

But here's the thing; A lot of people I know have had miscarriages. Not as spectacularly as me granted, they didn't have internal ruptures and almost die, but they have lost. And every person who has confided in me has said "Don't tell anyone but...." and I'm not just talking about one or two people here. In fact, I'm starting to wonder who this hasn't happened to.
Now I would never want to share what isn't mine to share, and I would never want anyone to think that I am not trust worthy, so no names or specifics.
But this is common.
More common than you think. And no one wants anyone to know it happened to them. And no one wants to talk about it. Well, I'm gonna talk about it. This stuff is very very personal, and very sensitive, but I'm not going to be ashamed of it or pretend it didn't happen. I'm not implying in anyway that people who don't talk about it are ashamed or pretending it didn't happen. As I said this is very very personal stuff and I don't blame anyone for not wanting to talk about it.
The first thing I want to address is the feeling of having done something wrong. I know in my logically thinking brain that I did nothing wrong, but that doesn't stop me from going over and over my actions to discover what I could have done differently to prevent this tragedy. I didn't cause this and I couldn't have prevented it. There is no way I could have kept this baby and carried it to term. I could have avoided the rupture but that's not the point. Yet this feeling of having caused it is sometimes very overwhelming. Not to mention the guilt, and also feeling somehow defective or less of a woman. This is normal, this gult, this feeling of doing wrong, and it's something that you just have to go through and pass through.

The next thing I want to adress is "Why me?". It feels really unfair that so many women become pregnant accidentally and then decide not to keep their babies. Yes, it is her right to decide that, and no, I'm not making any political statements about whether this is right or wrong, good or bad, I'm just saying that it really hurts. You want to say, "Well, can I have the baby? If you don't want it and I do?". It also seem like everybody around you has just become pregnant, is pregnant or has just had a baby. You do find yourself asking why is she so lucky? Why does she get to keep what I lost? Well, I'm certianly not the first to notice this, but life in general is just not fair. Still, I feel somehow wronged by the universe, especially after trying for so long and given my history. While it's normal to ask these questions, to have these feelings, there is no answer. There is no reason, just like winning the lottery, it will happen to some people and not others. No I don't deserve this, any more than I deserve all the good things in my life. Is just is what it is.

The last thing that I need to address is the child I already have / the children (oh pleasepleasepleaseplease) I may have in the future. Grieving for the child I lost does not in anyway mean I do not love/ am not greatful for the one I already have. I know I am lucky to have him. I know he is amazingly wonderful. That doesn't make this loss hurt any less. One woman said to me recently "But you do have one and that's one more than I have". Yikes! It's true. Some people are even less lucky than I and they don't have that one amazing child, still doesn't make it hurt any less for me right now. As for the possibility of more children in the furture, well, I don't want those children, I want the one I had! The one I already love! The one that was already a part of me and died before she even had a chance to live. Two months may not seem like a long time, but it was a life time for her. And to be frank and honest, especially given my histroy and what just happened, this is not even remotely something I can count on. I can't say that I am healthy and fertile. I'm not. There 's a really good chance this is as close as I'll ever get to a second child. So I find no solice in the possiblity that at some point in the future I may still yet have another child. I might, I might not, and for that matter none of us knows what is going to happen from one day to the next.

To all the women who have lost:
You are not alone.
I know what you are going through.
I'm sorry for your loss, and if you want to talk about it, you know where to find me.

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