Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Back to work and a Beautiful Calendar!

Two things:

First: I'm back at work Huzzah!

Second: I'm selling a calendar Huzzah!

Okay so first things first, yesterday I went back to work for the first time since my life fell apart for a second time this year. Well, that's a bit of an exaggeration, it didn't exactly fall apart, it just changed dramatically. In fact My perspective has changed so much, the way I'm going back to work is completely different.
As much as my family is short on cash flow right now, (with me being off work for so long and for the second time this year and with Andrew in school, which is going really great btw) I've decided that it's not worth it to work the way I did before.
I made this decision not only because the closing shift is the hardest shift with the most work (physical and clerical) and I don't think I should always have to be the one to do it, but also because since I moved it now takes an hour to get home by bus. I don't get paid any differently for always closing so, why should I put up with it? Not fair. Plus it's far more work crammed into the short period after the doors are closed than can actually be done so I never actually get out the door at 9:30pm. Meaning the earliest I can possible ever get home is 10:30pm. Which is alright once and a while, but not everyday, especially when I have to be back there the next morning to receive shipment at 7am!!!
Since I've now said I'll only work up until 6pm on week days except one day (I'm not so unreasonable, so I gave a little there) , only one day on the weekend (so Saturday or Sunday, but not both) and I want two full days off from work every single week (As apposed to one full day off and two half days with only four hour shifts) I'm engaged in a bit of a battle of the wills. I guess time will tell if I will be accommodated, or if my boss will simply decide that she's going to knock me down to part time (which she can do since I've changed my availability). If she does, it will be time for either a second job, or a new job entirely. I suppose time will tell......

And now for the fun stuff!!
In early September I had just finished putting together a beautiful collection of butterfly photography in a calendar which is available from Lulu. Due to my my surgery and recovery and all the other badness that happened on September 10th, I never promoted it. Since there's no time like the present, I'd better get to it. Wanna buy a calendar?


So Sarah, why did you decided to be a total sell out and put your beautiful fine art photography into a calendar format?

Well, aside from the fact that the slow economy means most people just don't have the kinda of disposable income required to purchase a large beautiful print and I'd really like my photography out there and up on people walls in any format, the real reason is my Dad. My darling Father (god rest his soul) was never the most supportive when it came to my artistic endeavours. He would always hem and haw about the investment required in making prints and framing, also he just couldn't believe that people would actually spend that kind of money on fine art photography because hey, any one can take a photo right? Well, when I put together my "Beautiful Ontario" collection for our show back in 2009 (wow has it only been a year? Feels like forever since I had a show) My Father gave me that the absolute highest praise he could ever give a photograph. He said "Sarah, these are good enough to be in a Calendar!!" Sadly, he did not see the "Reflections" collection and sadly this collection never made it to print or to show. But hopefully Dad would think these were good enough to be in a Calendar too!

I see on the Lulu website my Calendar will ship in three to five days, wow that's so fast! Does that mean I have to pay a redonkulous amount for shipping?

When it says "Ships in 3–5 business days" That means it will take 3-5 days for the printing process to be completed. These are available for purchase on consignment which means that there is no warehouse full of calendars. Lulu only prints the calendars that have been paid for, this way I don't actually have to invest any money for them (only time and love). How much you will pay for shipping and how long it will take you to get it depends of the type for shipping service you choose and the place you are having them shipped to. I would highly recommend that you get yours sooner rather than later to avoid the holiday rush.

$15.00 + shipping is pretty steep for a Calendar why is it so expensive?

Well, nobody does anything for free, the base price for this calendar is $12.49. Which mean that while I set my own price, lulu wants $12.49 for every calender of mine that gets printed. Considering that I think $15.00 is pretty reasonable!

You know Sarah, I have so much disposable income and I want to give it all to you to support your artist endeavors don't you have anything to sell me that is more expensive ?

Well, gee wiz thanks! (okay maybe I made that last one up but I'm gonna go ahead and answer it anyways!) Some photographs from the Reflections collection are available in book form also from lulu. They are not all the same ones in the calendar but there is some over lap.

Monday, November 1, 2010

Halloween Night 2010

You would not believe how long it took me to make this costume.
It was definitely worth it.
As you can see Benjamin was a skeleton.
Andrew and I were Necromancers or Skeleton Keepers, cause you know, bones won't just get up and walk around all on their own!
We hooked up with a blood thirty panda who was "thirst
y for bwud!" and a pumpkin, who well, let's be frank, slept pretty much the entire time.
Good times, Good times.

The Panda swung the skeleton round into the a jack-0-lantern (No, not The Pumpkin, The Pumpkin was sleeping in her stroller) the jack-o-lantern rolled down the hill, spilling tea lights all over, trying to catch the leaves on fire. So I went after the fire, perceiving it to be more dangerous, making it possible for the Panda to run off with the skeleton while I could only shriek "ANDREW! GET THE PANDA! GET THE PANDA"

Monday, September 13, 2010

Ruptured Ectopic Pregnancy- Bloody hell, not again!

If it weren't for bad luck I'd have none at all.
Not true actually, I'm being a tad melodramatic there. I am actually pretty lucky. For the second time this year, I'm looking back over the previous week and thinking: "Geeze, I'm lucky to be alive!"
So it started with two pink lines on the pregnancy test. Well, actually, it started with a feeling. I just felt pregnant. I sensed all those little tells that there are when things are happening, and this lead me to take the test. Andrew was very excited right off the bat and I was was terrified. I could only think of all the things that went wrong last time. He said "It's a cautious yay. We will just do everything the doctor tells us and be very careful."
So I made an appointment to see the Obstetrician who did my surgery in April, after I lost the first baby. She had said to call her the second I got a positive home pregnancy test. I saw my GP as well, who sent me for test straight away; Blood work and an ultra sound. He put me at five weeks dating from my last period. I saw the Obstetrician went for the blood work a couple of days later. She said to me that at this point the was no reason to assume anything was wrong, and that the chances were 85% everything would be just fine. She would be in touch when she got the blood tests back, which would be before I went for the ultra sound.
So the blood test came back, and yes I was definitely pregnant. Three weeks pregnant.
But wait a minute, shouldn't I be at least five weeks?
We start counting from the first day of the last menstrual period. That was August first. I know for sure it was August first because it was my first day back at work after getting home from the cottage. I don't usually keep track, being so irregular, but this time I knew for sure. So I was worried. But the Obstetrician says , maybe you're not as far along as you think. She doesn't know if it's a good idea to get the ultra sound because at three weeks, nothing will be visible yet. She is worried that if they don't see anything it will really stress me out. I tell her I'm already really stressed out. And we come to the conclusion that, if I am five weeks and ectopic (which there is not really any reason to worry about) and the technician sees an ectopic pregnancy, she will tell me and send me right to the ER. But don't be worried if she doesn't see anything, cause three weeks really is too early. She wants me to redo the blood work on Monday to see where the levels of HCG are and make sure they are in line with where I should be. She leaves me with these words: "You know what to watch out for. You know what the warning signs are. If you have any of them go directly to the ER. But everything is probably just fine, so just try not to worry."
But, but, well, okay. I'll just see what the ultra sound shows.
The ultra sound was the next day. They are not supposed to tell you anything at all, (and there's good reason for that,) but, since the test was on Friday and the office wouldn't get the result until Monday, and given my history......She did tell me. She did tell me that she didn't see anything at all. But by five weeks, there should at least be a yolk sack, there should at least be something in there. But no, nothing at all there. Which is consistent with 3 weeks, which is be far too early to see anything thing. Well at least she doesn't see an ectopic pregnancy either. The technician said "I think you just came too early, come back in two weeks."
But I know, I know I'm five weeks.
And I was always afraid, from the moment I saw the two pink lines, I was afraid, but now I'm terrified. And she asks when did I have my blood work done? In her opinion I should have my levels tested again soon, and see how they are progressing, and that's what your doctor said? So go home and relax, enjoy your weekend and don't worry about it until Monday.
Andrew is waiting in the waiting room, and I tell him in the hall way on the way back to the elevator that there was nothing at all, not even a yolk sack, and I'm really really worried. And he says, but we're doing everything thing we should be doing, we getting everything checked out early and we're staying on top of everything. So try not to worry too much.
So we go home. I go and get Ben from daycare, and we have a bit of a difference of opinion, but such is life. We read some, play some, and just generally hang out together.
The I get this pain.
Just like last time.
I tell Andrew I'm not feeling well and I'm going to lay down for a bit. I'm really hoping that it's nothing and in a few moments it will turn out it was just gas.
The boys go to watch a video.
I rest for half an hour and don't feel any better.
Andrew says we should go to the ER but I don't want to.
He says it's better to be sure, it's better to go when it's not necessary than to not go when it is necessary. And I hear the last thing the Obstetrician said to me echoing in my mind " You know what to watch out for, you know what the warning signs are. If you have any of them go directly to the ER." And while I'm not in agony, this is exactly what it felt like at the beginning last time.
So I say to Andrew, okay, but eat dinner first because we could be there pretty late. He thinks I should eat too, but I can't, and I know this is another bad sign.
We leave Ben with my Mum, not saying much to her, because we haven't told her I'm pregnant, in case something were to go wrong. We just say I'm not feeling well.
We decide to go to the Scarborough Hospital, where I was taken last time.
While he is driving Andrew says "It's much better to go ourselves then wait until you're in agony and have to go in an ambulance." And I'm trying not to cry, I say "I think it's just psychosomatic because of what happened last time. We'll be there all night and then they will send us home saying I'm fine." And Andrew doesn't answer, and I think maybe he's not listening but then he says "Given your history they will say it's a good thing you came regardless of what they find."
He drops me in front of the ER doors and go to park the car.
I make my way over to the triage nurse and she asks me why I'm there, and it takes all the strength I have not to breakdown and burst into tears. I say "I have abdominal pain. I'm five weeks pregnant. I suffered a ruptured ectopic pregnancy in April. It felt like this." She asks me question which I don't remember and I answer her. A woman sticks her head into the room and she says "It WAS gauze!" and is holding a piece of gross looking gauze between her latex covered fingers. And my nurse says "That's what I told her! I said it really looks like gauze!" And they both think it is funny. I can see Andrew standing outside and he's glaring at these women, if looks could kill they would have burst into flames. And she says to me "Oh sorry, it's just this woman came in and she thought she has a growth in her mouth, and it turns out it was a piece of gauze, which is what I thought, but she insisted they hadn't put any gauze in there." I can appreciate that this must be funny to her and I lamely say "Oh, had some dental surgery did she?" And the nurses say "Yes, she did, and she must have just been really groggy when they put it in, she thought it was some kind of a growth!" She prints out a little red ER ID bracelet and snaps it on my wrist, she's putting a folder together. Someone walks by the window and she grabs him in and they have another little chuckle about the gauze. Then she sends me out to the waiting area.
I try to get comfortable but it's getting more and more difficult. The pain is getting worse. Andrew is outraged about the gauze and the laughing. I tell him not to worry, it's just a strange thing that happened for them this evening.
I don't know how long we are waiting but the waiting room is pretty empty, not many people there at all.
They call my name and I'm taken to RAZ again (Rapid assessment zone). This is where the paramedics left me last time. Last time I was in so much pain every breath hurt. This time, it hurts, but I can sit, I can stand, I can walk. It seems like ages before I'm seen, but it's not actually that long. She looks far too young. She's pale and has black hair, her name is Jennifer and she asks me why I'm there. It's harder and harder to keep calm, but I tell her, about the pains, and she's writing everything down. I tell her that I went for an ultra sound today and that there was nothing there. She says, "They are not supposed to give you the results." And I say I know. She asks where it was done, and says they are probably closed and she won't be able to get those results now. She says she'll be back soon.
Andrew leaves to go and call my Mum, see how Ben is doing.
Jennifer comes back asks how I'm doing. I tell her I'm really really scared. She tells me that we have a lot of tests to get through and it's going to take a long time to get to the bottom of this. She says "You've got to try to keep it together." I tell her I'll try.
Andrew comes back.
She wants to take blood samples but she can't find my veins.
She's tied off my arm and she poking and prodding but she can find it. She says she doesn't want to try and miss, so she's going to go and get someone else. She comes back with an RN who also has some trouble finding it too. She asks the other one where she tried, she says she hasn't.
They have both found the place where the blood was taken for the original blood work a few days ago. The RN wants to put a lock in "just in case". I know what that means, it means that she thinks that I will either be getting more blood drawn or need an IV, or other various injections. She pokes at the back of my hand. She manages to fill a tube and then says, "Ah, forget the lock here it's not working, I'll put it in your arm for now." And she puts it where the original blood work was taken. She fills up many long tubes and then leaves with them. A few moments later she comes back to make sure it's the right names on the tubes, because it was the other girl who stuck them on. A bottle in a bag has been left on the table. I'm pretty sure I'm supposed to pee in it, but no one has asked me to, so I don't.
We don't talk much.
I say to Andrew "This is all just in my head, I was so traumatized by what happened last time, I'm imagining that it's happening again. They'll come back and tell me it's all in my head and everything is fine." Andrew says "Yeah, I guess, probably." But he doesn't look at me.
After what seems like hours of "keeping it together" The ER doctor comes in and asks me some more questions, mostly about bleeding and shoulder pain, but this time there's no bleeding or shoulder pain. Then she says they are just waiting for the blood test, but that I will need to see the Gynecologist. She notices the bag with the bottle, she gives it to me and asks me to pee in it. Says she'll be back for it.
By now I am bleeding.
I didn't bleed at all last time.
Andrew goes to tell someone.
It's getting later and later eventually the gynecologist comes, and he say it could be one of three things, ectopic pregnancy, appendicitis, or a ruptured ovarian cyst. He says,he has to make a judgement call on how to proceed at this point because He doesn't have any conclusive evidence. There is an ultra sound machine that could detect an ectopic pregnancy, or ruptured cyst but the technician who knows how to use it has gone home for the night and won't be back until 8am. If he does surgery to rule out ectopic and it's a ruptured cyst then it will end the pregnancy. If it is an burst ovarian cyst it should get better on it's own, however if it's ectopic and it ruptures, I could die. He tells me "I have to make a judgement call here and I really don't know what to do."
Andrew is silent.
They are both looking at me.
I know I'm bleeding, and the pain is getting worse.
I say "If there's a chance for this baby I want to take it even if it's only one percent. I really really want to keep this baby." He looks and Andrew, and Andrew nods. The doctor says "Okay, that makes my decision much easier. We'll get you admitted. You'll go upstairs as soon as there is a bed for you. Do you want some morphine and some gravol for the pain and nausea?" I say "Uhhhhhhh." He says "It's completely safe during pregnancy." So I say yes. He leaves and things seem to happen pretty quickly after that.
Someone comes to ask me about medical coverage and I'm told I'll be going to a ward room.
When I'm all settled in up stairs in a room on a bed, Andrew leaves, says he'll be back at eight am.
My night passes in a painful anxious haze. Even through the drugs the pain is getting worse. People come and go, take my blood pressure, temperature, and check my pulse. I keep asking them if it's morning yet. More morphine and finally the sun rises. The Gynecologist comes back and says he's going home. I'm going have the ultra sound as soon as the technician gets there and a different doctor will decide how to proceed.
The rest is just waiting.
Andrew comes back. He looks tired.
And we wait.
Finally I go down for the ultra sound.
It gets sent to the doctor.
I go back up stairs and there's more and more waiting.
We don't talk much, just hold hands. His hand is warm and comforting.
Andrew says he's going to go for a coffee. I can tell the waiting is getting to him.
While he's gone the doctor comes.
The doctor is a lady and she says that the pregnancy is ectopic in the right tube and it has ruptured. There is blood in my abdominal cavity. I am on the list for the next surgery and I will go in as soon as possible, I am next in line unless an emergency comes in a I get bumped.
I don't say much. I listen to everything she has to say.
She finally leaves and I'm through keeping it together.
I knew that something was wrong, because somethings you just know. Pain like that isn't normal or healthy.
I can't stop crying.
It feels like forever until Andrew comes back. He has his coffee in hand.
I can only shake my head.
I'm just crying and crying. He asks what's wrong but he knows. He forces me to say it anyways.
And he's holding me and we are both crying.
The moment stretches out into a lifetime, the life time of the second baby I am losing this year. For these few moments, it's still alive and within me. But the moments don't last long enough.
I say: "It's just not meant to be."
Andrew says: "At least this time I'm not worried about losing you too."
I say: "I want to see Ben."
And Andrew goes to try and find out how much time we have and figure out if he can go and get Ben in time.
First the nurse says I'm going right now, get ready they are getting everything ready. So we say oh well so much for that.
She comes back a few moments later and says I've been bumped and I won't be going for at least four hours. So Andrew leaves right away.
The nurse comes back after twenty minutes and says I've not been bumped after all. Has my husband gone to get my son already? Do I want to go now? I say I want to go, because I just want it over with. She goes to set everything in monition.
Twenty minutes later Ben walks in with my Mum, and I say "You're just in time to see me! I'm leaving right now!" And behind him they wheel in the bed. There is time for a few quick cuddles and we all go down the hallway together and get into the elevator. Ben asks about my IV. He asks me why the bed is so big. He asks me if it hurts. He says he hopes that they can help me feel better. I tell him that I love him and I'll be home as soon as I can but probably not until tomorrow.
I go through the door and down a long hallway.
Andrew leaves to take them home. He'll come straight back and see me in recovery.
The wait in the operating room is very hard.
Last time I was in screaming pain and everything was happening so fast, they put me under right away, I was just screaming and screaming. This time I'm just crying. I can hear the clinking of the instruments they are getting out and I wonder why it's taking so long. I can help but remember a program I heard about people who aren't affected by anesthetic.
Finally they put me under.
The next thing I know It's all over an I'm in recovery.
They take me upstairs and Andrew is there waiting.
He says I look good. Much better than last time.
We are back in my room. He holds my hand. I drift in and out a lot. Around 9pm he has to go home. Says he'll be back first thing in the morning to take me home.
The night is long and hard.
I'm lonely and drugged.
I'm hallucinating and it hurts.
The worst is over, physically I'm out of danger.
The rest, what's left, it's all emotional.
It's still hard to think about.
They say no, in no uncertain terms there will be no pregnancies. The "good" tube is gone, and the other one is full of scar tissue. The doctor said it was not viable.
All I can do now is look to the child I already have.
And be grateful and thankful for my husband, who loves me so much and has stood beside me through this hard time. I know it's not easy for him either.
I have to keep reminding myself, it could be much much worse. I could have no children at all. And for the second time this year, I could very easily have just died.
But as long as I am alive, and I have this one beautiful amazing boy, and this wonderful husband, plus the rest of my family, I will try to remember my blessings and concentrate on what I do have. Doesn't mean I'm not mourning what I lost, that I'm not totally and utter devastated. I am. But I also know that my heart still has the capacity for joy and happiness and that things won't be this sad forever.

So there it is.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

Converstaion I had with a customer the other day.

I know I shouldn't have but I just couldn't help myself. And I would not have if she hadn't been really really rude......

We have a shoe right now that comes in three colours; black, cream and a sort of faux snake skin. The black one is regular price, the cream on is on sale and the faux snake skin is clearance. So a customer approaches me with the cream shoe in her hand and we have the following conversation:

Customer: "This shoe is on sale."
Me: "Yes it's on sale for $27.99" (or whatever the sale price is I can't remember)
Customer: "No." Points to different colour shoe of the same style that is clearance "It's on sale for $15"
Me: "No. That colour is $15, the cream coloured one is $27.99"
Customer: "But they're the same shoe they should be on sale for the same price."
Me: "Well.........they're not. The different colours are different prices."
Customer: "But they're exactly the same!!"
Me: "So.......Why don't you get the $15 one then?"
Customer: "Well, I don't like that one. "
Me: "But they're exactly the same."
Customer: "No, they're not. "
Me: "But you just said...."
Customer: "Well, they are the same shoe but they are different colours."
Me: "Yep, and the different colours are different prices."
Customer: "But why?!!"
Me: "Well, why don't you like the faux snake skin coloured one?"
Customer: "I just don't"
Me: "I guess that colour is not as popular so they put it on clearance for $15."
Customer: "Well, can't you just give it to me for $15?!!"
Me: "Um, no."

In the end she bought the cream coloured one.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Love is......

For my Mum's last birthday we went to a buffet restaurant where everyone can find a little something that they like. My favorite part is, of course, the dessert. I try to have a little taste of everything and when I got to the ice cream section I scooped one scoop of lime sorbet and one scoop of orange sorbet. It was a delicious combination and as soon as I tasted it I knew it was something that Andrew would love. We have very very different taste in food, but I have a pretty good idea when I taste something if he will like it or not. I turned to Andrew to tell him that he would love this combination and he should go and get some. He tapped his bowl with his spoon, smiled and said "Soooooooo good!" He had the EXACT SAME THING in his bowl. "I was going to say you should try it, but I see that you already have."

Saturday, May 15, 2010

Out and about!

Slowly, slowly, I'm venturing out of the house and trying to actually do stuff again! Last Friday I went over to my girl friend's house with my boys for dinner and watched some videos. I was really worried that it would be too much for me, but it wasn't it was nice and relaxing!
On Wednesday I walked slowly (two blocks maybe) to our local. I was thinking that since I am no longer drugged up I could maybe have a good old fashion drink, unfortunately by the time we got there I was so exhausted that I had to give the alcohol a miss, I did however enjoy nachos and ice tea.
Then yesterday day oh boy, I went to Scarborough Town Center with my Mum, had lunch and did some shopping. It was hard, I'm not going to say it was easy, because I'm still pretty weak, but it's sure good to know that it's possible. I went to three different stores to try on dresses, and I found three lovely ones at the last store we went to.
It's taking a really long time but I've gone from being stuck in bed covered in bruises with brief painful trips to the bathroom, to walking to the living room to sit on the sofa and getting on the computer, to venturing down stairs to watch movies, to actually leaving the house and walking around in the world!
I still find that everyone else moves way too fast for me, and I still get really exhausted if I try to move too fast or do too much. The most important thing is, even thought it's taking a long time, I am making noticeable progress.

Friday, May 7, 2010

No one talks about this, why is no one talking about this?

In trying to come to terms with what happened to me and how it's affecting my family I have received a lot of support from friends and family.

Which is great.

Keep it coming as I need it. I mean like I really really need it and it helps.

But here's the thing; A lot of people I know have had miscarriages. Not as spectacularly as me granted, they didn't have internal ruptures and almost die, but they have lost. And every person who has confided in me has said "Don't tell anyone but...." and I'm not just talking about one or two people here. In fact, I'm starting to wonder who this hasn't happened to.
Now I would never want to share what isn't mine to share, and I would never want anyone to think that I am not trust worthy, so no names or specifics.
But this is common.
More common than you think. And no one wants anyone to know it happened to them. And no one wants to talk about it. Well, I'm gonna talk about it. This stuff is very very personal, and very sensitive, but I'm not going to be ashamed of it or pretend it didn't happen. I'm not implying in anyway that people who don't talk about it are ashamed or pretending it didn't happen. As I said this is very very personal stuff and I don't blame anyone for not wanting to talk about it.
The first thing I want to address is the feeling of having done something wrong. I know in my logically thinking brain that I did nothing wrong, but that doesn't stop me from going over and over my actions to discover what I could have done differently to prevent this tragedy. I didn't cause this and I couldn't have prevented it. There is no way I could have kept this baby and carried it to term. I could have avoided the rupture but that's not the point. Yet this feeling of having caused it is sometimes very overwhelming. Not to mention the guilt, and also feeling somehow defective or less of a woman. This is normal, this gult, this feeling of doing wrong, and it's something that you just have to go through and pass through.

The next thing I want to adress is "Why me?". It feels really unfair that so many women become pregnant accidentally and then decide not to keep their babies. Yes, it is her right to decide that, and no, I'm not making any political statements about whether this is right or wrong, good or bad, I'm just saying that it really hurts. You want to say, "Well, can I have the baby? If you don't want it and I do?". It also seem like everybody around you has just become pregnant, is pregnant or has just had a baby. You do find yourself asking why is she so lucky? Why does she get to keep what I lost? Well, I'm certianly not the first to notice this, but life in general is just not fair. Still, I feel somehow wronged by the universe, especially after trying for so long and given my history. While it's normal to ask these questions, to have these feelings, there is no answer. There is no reason, just like winning the lottery, it will happen to some people and not others. No I don't deserve this, any more than I deserve all the good things in my life. Is just is what it is.

The last thing that I need to address is the child I already have / the children (oh pleasepleasepleaseplease) I may have in the future. Grieving for the child I lost does not in anyway mean I do not love/ am not greatful for the one I already have. I know I am lucky to have him. I know he is amazingly wonderful. That doesn't make this loss hurt any less. One woman said to me recently "But you do have one and that's one more than I have". Yikes! It's true. Some people are even less lucky than I and they don't have that one amazing child, still doesn't make it hurt any less for me right now. As for the possibility of more children in the furture, well, I don't want those children, I want the one I had! The one I already love! The one that was already a part of me and died before she even had a chance to live. Two months may not seem like a long time, but it was a life time for her. And to be frank and honest, especially given my histroy and what just happened, this is not even remotely something I can count on. I can't say that I am healthy and fertile. I'm not. There 's a really good chance this is as close as I'll ever get to a second child. So I find no solice in the possiblity that at some point in the future I may still yet have another child. I might, I might not, and for that matter none of us knows what is going to happen from one day to the next.

To all the women who have lost:
You are not alone.
I know what you are going through.
I'm sorry for your loss, and if you want to talk about it, you know where to find me.

Saturday, April 24, 2010

Ruptured Ectopic Pregnancy

Ruptured Ectopic Pregnancy

For the last few months I've been fond of saying "A lot can happen in three months." after the nature of my Father's death.
Well, for the next few months I guess I'll be saying "A lot can happen in three days." after my recent experience which, thankfully, has a happy ending.

It's completely devastating, heartbreaking and also very, very personal.
It's also something every women who is trying to conceive should know about.
It happened to me last Monday (April 19th 2010) and because I didn't know what was happening I could have died. Luckily my husband had the good sense to call 911 and not listen to me when I claimed it would pass and I would probably be fine in a few hours.
An ectopic pregnancy is not that dangerous when detected early and properly treated. Left unchecked however it poses a serious threat to a woman's life as a rupture will cause severe internal damage and bleeding. (Not to mention unbelievable agony.)

Andrew and I have been trying to have a second child for some time now. In the past I have told people when the ask the completely unintentionally insensitive question "When are you having your next child?" That: one is enough, or we can't afford more, or some other excuse that saves me having to explain that according to medical science I should not even have the one child that I have already. Especially since so many people say that since I've had one I can obviously have more. Unfortunately it doesn't work that way. And I may be over sharing slightly when I say that The Amazing Fantastic Benjamin was preceded by literally YEARS of unprotected sex (wiggle eyebrows suggestively to personal taste at this point).

How does that old saying go? Even a fool knows that you cannot touch the clouds, but this does not stop a genius from trying. (Or something along those lines).

So yes, we have been trying. But no, I did not know that I was pregnant. Nor did I know I was rapidly heading towards a crisis. My recovery will not be quick or easy and yes, I am in a lot of pain.

You may ask, if I wanted this baby (very, very much in fact), and I lost it in such a fantastically painful and dangerous way, how could this possibly have a happy ending?

Well, thanks to the wonderfully skilled and amazing staff of nurses, doctors, and surgeons at Scarborough General Hospital , I was stabilized quickly and able to have life saving surgery to fix up all the internal damage. I was kept in hospital for three days and I could not have asked for better care, as all the staff I came into contact with were really wonderful, kind, and caring.
The happy ending is that I am alive and recovering. And that against the odds I do have The Amazing Fantastic Benjamin. So while I am sad (and bruised, and in heaps of pain) I also know how truly blessed I am, and I refuse to focus on what I have lost while I still have so much.

My family is taking good care of me and I am surrounded by so much love that I can't help but feel lucky.

That is all.
God Bless and Goodnight.

Monday, April 12, 2010

All quiet on the Western front....

I've not been online much lately I know.
My computer died (so sad I know, my husband is trying to give it a new ghost so hopefully I'll have my very own working computer once again) as you've probably already heard.
Well I've not been idle.
I'm actually working on a new book of photography.
I think it's almost ready....... be continued.