Old Blogging part 3-Things I never thought I'd get to say

Okay, so parenthood is really really challenging and requires some major life adjustment but it also give you the opportunity to say some really fantastic things with a straight face.......well, almost!

"Please don't put that ___ in your mouth it's not food." (crayon, car, truck, plastic pig, rock, etc.)
"Cheese is not for driving on honey."
"Cheese is not a toy, baby."
"No trucks at the table please."
"How many times to I have to ask you not to eat sand?!"
"Get that crayon out of your nose RIGHT NOW!"
"No honey, that's not a lady, you can tell by the beard."
"Cow's don't have a siren."
"No honey, that's part of the pig, it can't come off."
"Be gentle with your penis, trust me on this one."
"Mummy doesn't like it when you put sand down her pants."
"Daddy doesn't like it when you punch him in the face."
"Daddy doesn't like it when you step on his face."
"That's not a hat, please take it off you head." (half full bowl of oat meal, upside down of course)
"Don't squish the banana in your crotch please."
"Now how did that get in your diaper?" (You'd be really surprised at what we find in there.)
"Trust me, I'm a lot smarter than you and I know what I'm talking about." (This is my favorite).

Old Blogging part 4 - Purest love

In the course of his illness Ben puked right in my face. In my eyes and on nose to be exact. I've never had to wash bile out of my eyes before........it stings a bit. So here I am stinking of vomit, tired and worn out and I'm starting to feel a little sick myself. (Gee I wonder how that happened?) And I know I really truly deeply love him because when he said "Ma-ma!" and then put his sweet little arms around my neck and blew chunks at me, I didn't bitch slap him or scream or even get mad. I just said "Andrew please take the baby, I've got to go rinse my eyes."

Old Blogging part 5- About fraud

So I was a victim of attempted fraud. Somehow my debt card info was copied and my pin recorded at a "compromised" debt site. This is how it happens; The thieves use a card reader to get the electronic info off the card and a video recorder to tape you punching in your personal identification number. Then they try to rip you off. The fraud department at my bank was alerted because there was an attempted withdrawal for 200 dollars over my daily limit in Laval QC. My account was then frozen and I had to go into the bank branch and get a new card and do a new pin. They told me to do the same with all my other financial institutions. A minor pain in the ass but I did it. I was lucky that they caught it when they did and that the crooks were not able to get any money from my account. The only way to avoid this is to physically cover the key pad when you do your pin and go into change your pin every couple of months. This can happen to anyone who uses a debt card. It could happen to you. Always cover your pin and change it often.
Don't be a victim of fraud!

Old Blogging part 6- How Ben scarded the s**t out of me

Okay, So I'm sitting on the sofa with Ben reading a book. "Father cat's busy day" and Ben decides he's had enough so he climbs down the sofa and grabs his bus. Then he toddles off down the hallway. I know all the doors are closed so I don't follow him. Then he starts crying. I didn't hear a thump, a bump, or any unusual noises. I figured he found a closed door and he was unhappy about it. It's not panicked crying, just his normal crying. Then he comes toddeling back down the hall with his bus still in hand, still crying. I look at him and see blood pouring down his face from his nose all down his mouth and chin. Now I know what they mean in books when they describe fear squeezing your heart. I thought I was going to faint or have a panic attack. There was so much blood. He's fine by the way, I'm still not sure what happened but he got over it fairly quickly. Much faster than me, I'm still a little shaken. I wiped the blood away (several times) and held a clod wet cloth to his nose. He got pretty upset, but I think that's because I was so freaked out. So I nursed him for a little while, (yes, I'm still nursing, no he isn't a bit old for that and I don't care if you think he is) and he calmed down right away. Then he demanded his crayons.
Poor Sarah! I think the image of him toddeling towards me, with his bus in hand and blood pouring down his face was burned into my brain, I'll never forget it. I know it's not a huge deal, just a nose bleed, but I still feel a little traumatised. My mother used to tell me that you don't really know what fear is until you have children........I think she's right.

Old Blogging part 7 - " The Wheels on the Bus" My way

For anyone who didn't grow up in this country or doesn't have kids here are the real words:

The wheels on the bus go round and round....
The door on the bus goes open and shut.....
The money on the bus goes cling, cling, cling....
The driver on the bus says "Move on back."......
The wipers on the bus go swish, swish, swish,.....
The horn on the bus goes beep, beep, beep.....
The babies on the bus go "wa-wa-wa".....*
The Mommies on the bus say "Shhhh! Shhhh! Shhhh!"
The Daddies on the bus say "I love you".....

*this one stays the same in my version

Now here is MY version:

The wheels on the bus will drive you mad......
The doors on the bus will hit your ass.....
The money on the bus should go to me.....
The driver on the bus says "F**k you all".....
The wiper on the bus go up your a**.....
The horn on the bus says "go to hell".....
The Mommies on the bus say "Shut your face"....
The Daddies on the bus say "F**k you both".....

Of course I would never sing this version to my son, but I like my way much, much better.

Old Blogging part 8 - On giving advice to new parents.

When you have a baby everybody thinks they can tell you what to do! From friends and relatives to complete strangers on the street and in the supermarket.
In fact when I was preggers a lady in the supermarket told me I shouldn't be carrying so much. What I wanted to say (should have say) was "Oh, does that mean you are going to carry these home for me or are you suggesting that I don't need to eat?"
Now that I have the baby people tell me all about how he's not dressed warmly enough, or too warm. They tell me I'm carrying him too much or not enough. I even had a woman on the bus (a complete stranger who engaged me even though I tried to ignore her) that I absolutely must have another child or this one will have mental problems. So according to the bus lady all you only children out there are damaged goods. I've also been told that I'm depriving him if I don't give him a pacifier (I really hate them! And it's my choice. If you want to give one to your child please be my guest.) and that he will deform his face unless I stop him from sucking his thumb. People often look at me like I'm completely bonkers because I have real conversation with my child. Sure, his responses are severely limited, but I know he understands a hell of a lot more than people think. I don't care if you think I'm nuts, while my child is out there changing the world and making a difference, yours will be watching TV.
Oh and another thing, DON'T GIVE MY KID FOOD WITHOUT ASKING ME FIRST! Maybe you feed your kid cheesey and cookies and pop. Well I don't. He's gonna eat all kinds of junk when he gets older and there's nothing I can do about that. But I can give him a good start and control what he's eating now. So ask me before you offer him something becasue I may not want him to have it.
Why do so many people think they are experts on child rearing? Even people who don't have children or whose children are now in their thirties? What makes them think that I so desperately need help? And by the way, it's not just me the other mothers at playgroup (whom I actually listen too because they also have young children and may actually give good advice) have the same problem.
So next time you're thinking about giving a new Mom advice, unless she's endangering her child or shaking her baby, just remember she doesn't want to hear it and don't be offended if she tells you to f**k right off.
Thanks for reading this bitch fest. I makes me feel a little better to complain, and it probably keeps me from going off on total strangers when the stick their nose in my business.