No one talks about this, why is no one talking about this?

In trying to come to terms with what happened to me and how it's affecting my family I have received a lot of support from friends and family.

Which is great.

Keep it coming as I need it. I mean like I really really need it and it helps.

But here's the thing; A lot of people I know have had miscarriages. Not as spectacularly as me granted, they didn't have internal ruptures and almost die, but they have lost. And every person who has confided in me has said "Don't tell anyone but...." and I'm not just talking about one or two people here. In fact, I'm starting to wonder who this hasn't happened to.
Now I would never want to share what isn't mine to share, and I would never want anyone to think that I am not trust worthy, so no names or specifics.
But this is common.
More common than you think. And no one wants anyone to know it happened to them. And no one wants to talk about it. Well, I'm gonna talk about it. This stuff is very very personal, and very sensitive, but I'm not going to be ashamed of it or pretend it didn't happen. I'm not implying in anyway that people who don't talk about it are ashamed or pretending it didn't happen. As I said this is very very personal stuff and I don't blame anyone for not wanting to talk about it.
The first thing I want to address is the feeling of having done something wrong. I know in my logically thinking brain that I did nothing wrong, but that doesn't stop me from going over and over my actions to discover what I could have done differently to prevent this tragedy. I didn't cause this and I couldn't have prevented it. There is no way I could have kept this baby and carried it to term. I could have avoided the rupture but that's not the point. Yet this feeling of having caused it is sometimes very overwhelming. Not to mention the guilt, and also feeling somehow defective or less of a woman. This is normal, this gult, this feeling of doing wrong, and it's something that you just have to go through and pass through.

The next thing I want to adress is "Why me?". It feels really unfair that so many women become pregnant accidentally and then decide not to keep their babies. Yes, it is her right to decide that, and no, I'm not making any political statements about whether this is right or wrong, good or bad, I'm just saying that it really hurts. You want to say, "Well, can I have the baby? If you don't want it and I do?". It also seem like everybody around you has just become pregnant, is pregnant or has just had a baby. You do find yourself asking why is she so lucky? Why does she get to keep what I lost? Well, I'm certianly not the first to notice this, but life in general is just not fair. Still, I feel somehow wronged by the universe, especially after trying for so long and given my history. While it's normal to ask these questions, to have these feelings, there is no answer. There is no reason, just like winning the lottery, it will happen to some people and not others. No I don't deserve this, any more than I deserve all the good things in my life. Is just is what it is.

The last thing that I need to address is the child I already have / the children (oh pleasepleasepleaseplease) I may have in the future. Grieving for the child I lost does not in anyway mean I do not love/ am not greatful for the one I already have. I know I am lucky to have him. I know he is amazingly wonderful. That doesn't make this loss hurt any less. One woman said to me recently "But you do have one and that's one more than I have". Yikes! It's true. Some people are even less lucky than I and they don't have that one amazing child, still doesn't make it hurt any less for me right now. As for the possibility of more children in the furture, well, I don't want those children, I want the one I had! The one I already love! The one that was already a part of me and died before she even had a chance to live. Two months may not seem like a long time, but it was a life time for her. And to be frank and honest, especially given my histroy and what just happened, this is not even remotely something I can count on. I can't say that I am healthy and fertile. I'm not. There 's a really good chance this is as close as I'll ever get to a second child. So I find no solice in the possiblity that at some point in the future I may still yet have another child. I might, I might not, and for that matter none of us knows what is going to happen from one day to the next.

To all the women who have lost:
You are not alone.
I know what you are going through.
I'm sorry for your loss, and if you want to talk about it, you know where to find me.

Ruptured Ectopic Pregnancy

Ruptured Ectopic Pregnancy

For the last few months I've been fond of saying "A lot can happen in three months." after the nature of my Father's death.
Well, for the next few months I guess I'll be saying "A lot can happen in three days." after my recent experience which, thankfully, has a happy ending.

It's completely devastating, heartbreaking and also very, very personal.
It's also something every women who is trying to conceive should know about.
It happened to me last Monday (April 19th 2010) and because I didn't know what was happening I could have died. Luckily my husband had the good sense to call 911 and not listen to me when I claimed it would pass and I would probably be fine in a few hours.
An ectopic pregnancy is not that dangerous when detected early and properly treated. Left unchecked however it poses a serious threat to a woman's life as a rupture will cause severe internal damage and bleeding. (Not to mention unbelievable agony.)

Andrew and I have been trying to have a second child for some time now. In the past I have told people when the ask the completely unintentionally insensitive question "When are you having your next child?" That: one is enough, or we can't afford more, or some other excuse that saves me having to explain that according to medical science I should not even have the one child that I have already. Especially since so many people say that since I've had one I can obviously have more. Unfortunately it doesn't work that way. And I may be over sharing slightly when I say that The Amazing Fantastic Benjamin was preceded by literally YEARS of unprotected sex (wiggle eyebrows suggestively to personal taste at this point).

How does that old saying go? Even a fool knows that you cannot touch the clouds, but this does not stop a genius from trying. (Or something along those lines).

So yes, we have been trying. But no, I did not know that I was pregnant. Nor did I know I was rapidly heading towards a crisis. My recovery will not be quick or easy and yes, I am in a lot of pain.

You may ask, if I wanted this baby (very, very much in fact), and I lost it in such a fantastically painful and dangerous way, how could this possibly have a happy ending?

Well, thanks to the wonderfully skilled and amazing staff of nurses, doctors, and surgeons at Scarborough General Hospital , I was stabilized quickly and able to have life saving surgery to fix up all the internal damage. I was kept in hospital for three days and I could not have asked for better care, as all the staff I came into contact with were really wonderful, kind, and caring.
The happy ending is that I am alive and recovering. And that against the odds I do have The Amazing Fantastic Benjamin. So while I am sad (and bruised, and in heaps of pain) I also know how truly blessed I am, and I refuse to focus on what I have lost while I still have so much.

My family is taking good care of me and I am surrounded by so much love that I can't help but feel lucky.

That is all.
God Bless and Goodnight.

All quiet on the Western front....

I've not been online much lately I know.
My computer died (so sad I know, my husband is trying to give it a new ghost so hopefully I'll have my very own working computer once again) as you've probably already heard.
Well I've not been idle.
I'm actually working on a new book of photography.
I think it's almost ready.......
.......to be continued.

This is such a hard post to write.

As you have most likely already heard if you know me from anywhere else, my Father died on December 3rd following a brief albeit painful battle with lung cancer. Strange to call it a battle, as he didn't have a fighting chance. The disease progressed very quickly and it took us all by surprise. His last month alive was spent in agony, and I'm very glad that he is no longer suffering.
He had made his peace with life and he was ready to go.
May God Rest His Soul
Gerald Cowling Platel February 19 1932 - December 3rd 2009

Workin' Girl.

Wow.
Such sheer craziness!
In the last month my life has been turned upside down, shaken, stirred and then latterly flipped!
There have been huge developments and major changes, definitely a transition time.
First of all Andrew (aka The Husband) was laid off. His company down sized and they let a ton of people go. Even though he'd been there for over a year he was the last one hired so there was no chance they were going to keep him. A few days after that my Father (who lives with us) was diagnosed with cancer. As a result of this my Mother (who also lives with us) left her job to be with Dad. Which I wholeheartedly support, but, with Andrew's recent lay off, that meant NO ONE in our house hold was actually working, or earning money.
Yikes! So, last week I gots me some employment. Only part time for now, as I'm easing back into it slowly (it has been five years after all). The husband is taking really well to his new (unpaid) job as primary caregiver, but there are still a few bumps to bump over. Going back only part time is making it a lot easier on all of us.
*Side note: I'm getting really frustrated with constantly having to justify/explain this decision to people.*
And yes, I'm afraid I've gone back to retail. And yes, I know I swore I never ever ever would, but lets face it folks, under current circumstances there's no way I'm going back to school, and retail is what I know best. BUT, (and yes it is a big butt ;) I really really like this company, and it's one I've shopping at for years. I like s it, and I can say with integrity, "this is good sh*t, I would buy it and I think you should too!" So through Christmas at least I'm just working as a part time sales person, starting way at the bottom, with the intention of moving up afterwords. (provided that I can cut it and the company really as good to work for as it seems at first glance.) So yeah, I am resigning my post as a stay at home Mum. I'm now a going to work Mum.
That's all the really big stuff.
It's been hard, I'm not going to pretend this last month has been in any way easy it hasn't been, but I'm coping as well as can be expected, and I even manged to make a book while all this was going on!
Anyhoo, feel free to say some prayers for me, or send me some positive vibrations, or light me a candle, or do what ever spiritual thing you would do to love and support someone in my current position, goodness knows I need it.
Peace y'all

Beautiful Ontario- The book

Great news everybody!
Beautiful Ontario the photography exhibition is now available in book form from lulu.
So if you liked the show, and you'd like to own it all, now you can!

BLOG ACTION DAY!!!

In honor of Blog Action Day, I'm posting a link to one of the best blog post I read on climate change.
LINK!
I'm not registering in thought, cause it's not mine.
And while it wasn't posted today, I'm reposting it today!
So enjoy!